I had always thought that the key to a successful relationship was compromise. Maybe your wife doesn’t like going to the salon and your husband doesn’t like football, but that’s okay, because you can go to sports games without him. Maybe you have a fundamental disagreement about a throw-pillow, and come to a compromise – if your husband gets to keep his pillow, you get to put up the painting by your grandmother that he thinks is ridiculous and tacky.
No wonder I’m single! Watching Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi taught me that compromise doesn’t exist. In true love, it’s all or nothing. You kill your old habits and learn how to cook and bear children, or your husband kills his old habits and learns to dance. That’s it! No compromise; no in-betweens. One of you has to literally murder your old self and transform into someone you’re not. Fuck me in the ass; no wonder I’m in my 20’s and still not married with 7 children! I’ve been loving people for who they are, and meeting people half-way in disagreements. Rab ne bana di damnit.
Luckily, females, Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi also teaches us that if a man truly loved us, he wouldn’t ask us to change anything about ourselves. No, true love is when a man changes everything about himself for YOU. The man you wake up next to in the morning with disgust should literally transform so much over the course of a day that you don’t even recognize him as your own husband. Unless his hair (facial and otherwise), clothes, shoes, vehicle, personality, nose, eyes, mouth, and voice ALL morph into that of your favorite movie stars, HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU. If you put on makeup and cook for him, the least he can do is change his entire look and personality!
And men, to find out how you must transform – don’t you dare ask your woman how she feels. When Anushka tells Shahrukh there’s nothing he can do to make her love him because she simply doesn’t have anymore love left in her, does he listen and accept it? Of course not! Didn’t you read the title of this movie! Women aren’t self-aware enough to know what they want in life, and definitely aren’t self-aware enough to know their own capacity for love. Only God (aka Shahrukh aka any man in her life) knows these things!
Like a real man, Shahrukh takes Anushka’s declaration of her lack of love for him as a challenge, and sings an entire song about how wrong she is, complete with a choreographed dance sequence on top of a rickshaw. When he takes her to a movie and sees her laughing, he knows that this isn’t just her watching a movie and laughing because of the joys of escaping reality for a minute or the antics the main characters have gotten themselves into. No! If a woman laughs at a movie, this means she wants to literally live out that movie. If you aren’t Raj Kapoor, Dev Anand, Shahrukh Khan, and Shammi Kapoor all rolled up into one, gtfo of here!!
The song and dance sequences in this movie truly (falsely? I’m a little confused by what’s a positive adjective here, but I mean the good one) ARE good enough to make me want Shahrukh to come into my life, pretend to be someone else for a year, and eventually deceive me so much that I fall in love with him. (I don’t know much about love, being single and all, but I think “deceiving someone so much that they fall in love with you” is a thing?) Forget that neither of his incarnations refer to Anushka’s character by her name – it’s always either Taani Ji or Taani Partner but never just Taani. Every single character in this movie says, at some point, that “the only thing a girl wants in life is for someone to love them more than she loves herself.” This guy – Raj, Suri, whatever the fuck he goes by at any given moment – loves his wife SO MUCH that he LIES to her. I know I don’t love myself enough to lie to myself and pretend to be a whole other person! As Anushka says, “thank you” is the only proper response. Thank you, RNBDJ, for teaching me that there’s no truth in TRUE love.
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